This year I was fortunate to receive a Developing Your Creative Practice (DYCP) grant from Arts Council England. This afforded me the time and space to focus on several key goals for my creative development:
Challenge and grow my creative practice: This included experimentation with different forms of writing techniques.
Develop meaningful collaborations: Working with others was an important aspect of the project.
Provide opportunities to express different perspectives: I aimed to explore a variety of viewpoints in the resultant work.
Tell stories: Sharing stories was a central theme of the project.
To kickstart the project, I began weekly mentoring sessions with poet and author Maggie Sawkins. These sessions were instrumental in developing my writing and creative writing practice. We explored various forms, including redacted poetry, elegy, and free verse.
A recent experience with grief and loss drew me to elegy free verse, a form that allowed me to explore the passing of my mother-in-law and the challenges my husband faced as her caregiver during her three-year battle with dementia. This I believe was the seventh draft – Maggie explained that she had sometimes worked for years on a single poem!
THE VANISHING
She is awake
but not awake.
An aged foetus
awaiting delivery
her motherness gone.
Son becomes mother
washing, soothing
an endless day.
Applying balm
indifferent to the
antiseptic air,
protective sheets
and unkempt hair.
Another day
of letting go
and holding fast.
He remembers
dancing in the hallway,
crying with laughter
the last caraway cake
they baked together,
the way things were,
the other way
Mother and son.
Does he love her less?
Does he want to shout
Where are you?
Look what I’ve become.
He draws the curtain
before it's dark.
Today at three
his heart lifts.
In her pale face
he imagines a flicker
of recognition.
She’s there,
She knows.
he wills it so.
He’s in the next room
drinking tea
When she vanishes.
In his hands
her faded bone china cup,
the last ritual
a parting gift.
Her time is now.
He raises the cup
closes his eyes
feels a warm kiss on his lips.
This image of Esther, my mother-in-law, taken by Simon, conveys the cruelty of dementia. Though the photo, layered like a double exposure, suggests she’s in her garden, the reality was she was forever confined and lost. Through the combination of words and images we can tell this story.
Art allow others to experience other worlds and can encourage understanding and empathy. Around 700,000 people in the UK look after a relative with dementia. Tracy’s poem, The Vanishing, was very emotional for me as it captured some of the essence of those last days spent with my mum. I believe it promotes understanding of the day to day reality of caring for someone with dementia.
Simon’s photographic essay features images of Quarr Abbey, exploring the theme of rest and coming to terms with loss of his mother.
M_Other
The theme I decided to explore for collaborating with other creative practitioners was “Mother,” but not confined to the traditional role. It encompassed the broader concepts of nurturing and protection for others. My fellow collaborators were Kathy Williams, Jo Hummel, Simon Avery, Maggie Sawkins and Teresa Grimaldi.
During a deep conversation with Kathy, we confided in each other about the challenges we faced as Mothers. My son’s experience with undiagnosed ADHD, leading to school exclusion, crime and involvement with the child protection system, highlighted the struggles of navigating a system that often seems to blame parents despite their best efforts. Kathy too had experienced similar challenges whilst trying to keep her child safe.
In 2017 my son was put on the child protection register under the category of ‘neglect’. In this piece, I hope to give you an insight into what it is like to be a neglectful mother – it’s not always what you expect.
HOW TO BE A NEGLECTFUL MOTHERTake folic acid during pregnancy.
In the first hour after birth have skin-to-skin contact.
Breast feed for 14 months.
Attend baby massage classes.
and learn to sign in baby talk.
Wean on Hipp Organic Apple and Pear.
Read them Goodnight Moon every night
Buy Clarks First shoes with room to grow
Set sensible house rules:
No swearing in school. Eat your greens. Brush your teeth!
Spoil them (but not too much).
Go on healthy country walks.
Teach them the Latin for trees and birds:
Quercus robur, Larus ridibundus, Pica pica.
Experience the Dr Who Experience,
sneak in the Tate.
Take them to Butlins,
watch them perform at Global Rock.
Hug them when they wobble.
Soothe them when they cry.
Listen when they scream:
Stop fucking looking at me!
Embark on parenting classes,
attend Family Therapy (in earnest),
get to know the local police.
Report them missing.
Attend court hearings.
Attend court hearings.
Try to get help.
Hold on, hold on.
Try to let go. Try to let go.
Neglect yourself.
Neglect yourself.
Neglect.
When being a Mother is not enough: After sharing this piece on social media, I’ve been affected by how many mothers have reached out, confiding that it resonated with their own experiences. These are women who often felt silenced by fear or shame and sadly most of them will continue to remain silent.
“Working with Tracy and other Isle of Wight artists has introduced me to a whole new way of working with words and visual images. The collaborative element in particular has been particularly inspiring. It was a privilege to explore ways to develop Tracy’s writing voice and bringing to life her rich history, was a real pleasure. “
Maggie Sawkins
Cycle of Motherhood
Kathy went on to explore the cycle of motherhood across generations in a series of four drawings that were eventually printed on the Riso to form part of the M_Other Collection. Kathy asked her son, daugther and neice to contribute to the work incorporating their unique mark-making into the artwork. The final drawing featuring hands, is about letting go, celebrating the beautiful paradox of motherhood: a shared journey where we all forge our own paths.
“Working collaboratively we shared ideas and possibilities as starting points for my drawings. We all learned so much and produced some amazing images. ”
Kathy Williams RCA
Time for Tea
After initial conversations Jo Hummel was drawn toward the simple everyday ritual and symbollism of taking tea. Her series of prints inspired by this ritual sparked a connection with my own work as the last verse of “The Vanishing” also referenced tea, creating an unexpected bridge between our pieces. We discussed how the act of preparing and drinking tea transcends its physical function. It connects us, offering comfort and kindness. It can also become a domestic defence against life’s hardships, a simple ritual that fosters a sense of peace and calm. Jo’s final A3 print featured several cirlces and is suggestive of the passing of time. The recurring motif of the tea stain circle can be seen as transcending a mere mark to become a symbol of our presence, an echo that remains.
Bright Memories
My collaboration with Teresa took a different turn. Bright Memories is a series of mixed media collages which formed part of a previous project. I wanted to give Teresa an opportunity to examine the hidden messages within, and reflect on her work. What is the message of Bright Memories? Her nostalgic collages wove in candid everyday moments of her mother and father, frolics, laughter and nonsense beside the sea. Were these the essence of living our best life? Ultimately, she concluded, it’s these bright memories that are the most precious treasures.
Crease upIs that Willy Outing? exclaims Valerie out of the blue.
Where? says Rosemary.
Valerie points her finger over the glistening sea, Over there, rowing the boat!He can’t row for toffee, says Rosemary and they both crease up laughing.
I wonder, what did they talk about on those endless summer Sandown days? So lost in conversation, that they don't even notice the naughty wind blowing their skirts in the air. My mum and her best friend, in their big pants with big dreams. Bright memories.
There was a lot to learn from each other’s practice and through co-working we each contributed to a beautiful /thought provoking Riso collection, that was M-other.
Humour has always been my shield, deflecting life’s sharp edges. However, after confronting loss and trauma in several challenging pieces, I felt a disconnect from my authentic voice. I remember telling Maggie, that this melancholic turn, although something I wanted to explore, just didn’t feel like me. This disconnect sparked a shift, leading me to create “Ugly Buttons.” This collection of short illuminated snippets from my childhood before the age of eleven delves into a simpler time but shows in part how I came to be me – how the die was cast. As an additional challenge, I also illustrated the booklet with collages incorporating images of my younger self and diary entries.
SELF-PORTRAIT AS A CHOCCY BICCY
The Isle of Wight in the 70s wasn't exactly a kaleidoscope of diversity. Being one of the darkest children in school meant that I received unwanted attention. Things could’ve have been worse: the two Jamaican kids were given the nicknames Choc Ice and Sambo instead I was Choccy Biccy.
Travelling by bus on the first day of Ventnor Middle School I was challenged to a fight by an older girl called Christine who wore thick National Health glasses. She had taken a dislike to me because she thought I was either half-caste, a gypsy and/or adopted. Priding myself on being a Tomboy and adept at kicking, I was well up for the challenge and a time was set to meet on the playing field at lunchtime.
For a few awkward seconds Christine and I stared at each other. She threw the first punch and I kicked her in the shin. A crowd of kids gathered around and began shouting, Fight, fight, fight! prompting us to give a show of some pretty lame ten-year-old scrapping. At one point the crowd let out a roar as I punched Christine in the stomach and that jeered me on.
However, niggling at the back of my mind was another problem. The jumble sale dress I was wearing had a set of old fashioned buttons in the shape of sunflowers running down one side. The cardigan I had covered them up with had come undone during our energetic brawl. I was horrified that the hideous buttons would be revealed and I would again be the subject of humiliation and chants: Look at those ugly buttons! Luckily in the nick of time Mr Green came to my rescue and we were dispersed into the crowd.
After that I rubbed along with Christine. But I’ve often wondered what bothered me more: being bullied for having darker skin and a foreign last name, or being seen as unfashionable? For the rest of my time in middle school, I got pretty much left alone and was weirdly tolerant of being deposited in the middle of a ring while my best friends skipped around singing, There's Tracy Mikich, she's a choccy biccy!
For me “Ugly Buttons” explores resilience, and the strength we discover within ourselves. It highlights the importance of self-reflection for learning, growth, and embracing our true selves. It reminds me that the world keeps turning and at times we must let go and find acceptance. These battles for resilience can be fought anywhere, even in the most unexpected places – and yes, sometimes the best battles are fought in jumble sale dresses!
Lastly, a massive thanks is reserved for Tommy Brentnall. Tommy, an artist, DJ, alternative print specialist, workshop facilitator and designer, was simply the best! He helped us all learn about the Riso process and together we created new and remarkable things. I hope this will assist working towards creating a press in Sandown. Thank you Tommy for designing Ugly Buttons and helping me grow my practice 🧡
I’m really pleased with and proud of the outcomes from M_Other. I think each participant managed to develop and push their practice in a new direction which was exciting to watch. It feels like Tracy has come out of the project with a much clearer idea of what she wants to do with the printer, space and her own practice.
